The Drugs don't work
by Fayth3
Summary: Written for a challenge kind of Firefly Alice in wonderland crossover. River's head is stranger than any fiction. Mal Riverish


**The Drugs don't work.**

River Tam had got used to hiding.

When she had been younger she'd hidden from her nannies to avoid the inevitable "eat-your-vegetables" arguments that River couldn't be bothered to win.

That had stopped when River had taken all of the vegetables and placed them in order of fermentation in the nannies bedroom.

Later on she had hidden from her parents in odd nooks and crannies around their opulent mansion to avoid the endless round of dinner parties and the "let's-show-off-our-genius" games that her parents would play.

Those games stopped when River had informed the dinner guests how their dinner would be digested—in excruciating detail.

Later still she'd hidden from her brother in games of hide and seek, only to emerge hours later when poor Simon was almost frantic with worry.

By the time she went to the Academy she was something of an expert in hiding.

By the time she left she had gotten so hidden inside her own mind that not even she could find herself, and being an expert was something to be feared rather than admired.

Now she hid from everything; from the Academy, from the hands of blue, from Blue Sun, from the Alliance, from bounty hunters and from herself.

Right now she was hiding from Simon and his seemingly indefatigable desire to use her as a pin-cushion.

She tucked her feet in tighter and listened with mounting glee as he walked past her hiding place for the third time, his voice sounding more and more frustrated.

"River!" he called and she bent herself in half, almost toppling herself over in her haste to stay small and out of the way.

"Doc, what the gorram hell is all the hollering for?"

River placed three fingers against her lips in an effort to stop giggling aloud. The Captain had joined in the fun.

"I'm trying to find River," Simon said. "It's time for her medication."

"It ain't a big ship, doc, girl gotta be somewhere."

River loved the lyrical way that the captain spoke. It was like his words were to music, music that she longed to dance to.

"I know," Simon said. "She's just taken to hiding."

"Well, can't says as I blame her, if you kept after me to stick me with your needles, I'd run at the sight a ya too."

River wanted to clap at that. Yes! Please tell him to stop sticking her with needles.

"Thank you, that's very helpful. Anything else?" Simon bit out.

"Yeah, do it quiet-like. Some of us are trying to . . . ya know, be quiet."

There was a retreat of footsteps and Simon sighed. "All hail the articulate one."

River couldn't help it and burst into giggles, giving away her hiding place.

Simon knelt down and peered under the edge of the hull and seeing River pressed against the bulkhead, her body bent double and twisted into a pretzel shape.

His jaw dropped. "How in the verse did you get in here?"

"Slither and twist," she replied like it was obvious.

"Well, come on out," he instructed. "I think I may have found the combination."

River sighed, her heart sinking at the thought of yet another new drug combination. Simon had been frantically trying different drug combinations after Ariel to try to battle the loss of her Amygdala; blockers and soothers and stimulants and depressants.

River often didn't know if she was coming, going or flying into broken glass with a lemon in each hand.

All she knew was that the drugs weren't working and she hated the periods of lucidity that she was having amidst the hazy trips.

If Simon didn't believe so fervently that he was helping her she was tempted to tell him exactly what he could do with his drugs.

In minute detail.

Thinking of his bug-eyed reaction River giggled again and Simon looked warmly at her.

"Just try this, mei mei. Not too much more, I hope."

A rush of affection raced through her. Simon was trying so hard. He'd given up almost everything to find her and was trying so hard.

She reached up and gave him a rare stroke. "You'll make me better."

He gave her a genuine smile and kissed her head as he led her back to the infirmary.

"It won't be long now, mei mei," he soothed. "I'll do this!"

"You came for me."

"I'll always come for you," he whispered and pushed the contents of the syringe into her arm.

River closed her eyes and took a deep breath waiting for the effects of the drug.

It didn't take long.

She felt weightless behind her eyes and her head started to drift away from her body, wandering around the infirmary bay.

River giggled as her head hit the ceiling and flitted away down the corridor, bouncing against Serenity's hull, her hair dragging behind her like the string of a balloon.

She floated into the kitchen where Jayne was shovelling food into his mouth, staring at Inara who was primly drinking tea in one corner.

"It isn't polite to stare!" she scolded him.

"Iffin I was worried about being polite, I'd care," he laughed and shoved more protein into his mouth.

Inara rolled her eyes and the River-balloon giggled as she floated away onto the bridge.

Wash was sitting with Zoë on his knee, arguing with the captain.

"All I'm saying, sir, is that Badger is a go tsao de hun dan who enjoys screwing us six ways from Sunday. Why are we even thinking about dealing with him, sir?"

"Care to fit one more sir in there?" Wash asked and then cringed at Zoë's death glare. "Just saying."

Mal ignored the matrimonial spat and sighed. "I know he ain't never exactly been on the up and up with us, but the man does have his fingers in some pretty impressive pies."

"People who have their hands in many pies tend to have very dirty fingers," Inara said, stepping on to the bridge.

"Thanks for that," Mal glared at her. "Of course if 'Nara didn't want to land on some high fluting planet where she could 'companion', we might not need to use so much fuel."

Inara's lips pursed. "I didn't realise I was such a burden."

"You're not," Wash soothed and smiled. "Except when you are."

"I still think Badger is a bad idea. We can't deal with him," Zoë continued.

"Say's who?" Mal pouted. "I'm still the captain here."

"He's tried to kill you." Zoë pointed out.

"Who ain't?" Mal shrugged. "If we avoided everyone who tried to kill me, we'd be pretty lonely." He stood up and walked to the door, his head bumping against the River-balloon. "'sides, it'll be fun."

He left Zoë seething and Inara pouting after him.

"He's off his head!" Zoë groused and Wash shrugged.

"Maybe a little, but the hi-jinks that ensue will be fun!"

"For you, husband, I'm the one who'll have to deal with the hun dan."

Inara swept her gown into one arm. "I'll tell Simon to ready the infirmary."

The River-balloon ignored Inara and swept along after her captain, watching him tell Jayne off for eating with his fingers and greeting the Shepherd who was just coming from the shower, his white hair free and standing on end.

The River-balloon tried to flatten herself against the ceiling so that the spidery tendrils didn't catch her and pop her into a billion pieces scattered all over the verse.

She hurried after captain Mal who took her to the engine room where Kaylee was purring to the pieces of Serenity that go around and around and made River-balloon dizzy.

Kaylee herself is made of sunshine. The beams stretch out and fill the engine room so that there is almost no room for the River-balloon and she had to push some of the rays away so that she can see what the captain was doing.

"Hey," he greeted. "We're headed to Persephone for a job with Badger."

"Oh, shiny," Kaylee paused, her sunshine aura dancing. "Didn't he try to kill ya?"

"Why does everyone get stuck on that?" Mal said wonderingly and Kaylee giggled.

River-balloon grew a finger and poked at one of the rays, hissing when it burnt her finger.

"I guess if you don't mind then it don't matter," Kaylee said with a grin. "We all going down dirt-side?"

"Yeah," Mal gnawed on the side of his finger. "I guess I should tell Simon to ready the infirmary, huh?"

"You do have a tendency to be shot a lot," she offered with an apologetic smile.

Mal reached over and ruffled her hair. "Ain't like I ask for it!" he groused and walked away.

River-balloon watched Kaylee-sunshine dance in the engine room for a while before deciding to see what the captain would tell Simon.

She floated out of the engine room and squeezed herself up through the ceiling, ignoring the stairs as for people with legs.

Simon was pottering around the infirmary looking after the River-child and River-balloon was quite cross that he hadn't realised that she didn't have a head.

He was her brother, surely he was supposed to realise when her head came off.

He took so much looking after.

Captain Mal entered only seconds after she did and he, too, watched Simon for a moment before clearing his throat.

"Ahh!" Simon jumped, his hand dropping a pair of surgical gloves on the floor.

Mal grinned and folded his arms, motioning towards the River-child. "I see you found her."

"Yes," Simon bit out and the River-balloon drifted over to inspect the gloves he had dropped. They weren't blue but they were just as nasty as the hands of blue. She decided then and there that they'd have to go. As Simon started to tell the captain off for sneaking up on him the River-balloon grew fingers and poked and prodded the gloves until they were put of sight, under the table and then she dragged them along until they were at the other side of the infirmary, well away from the doctor.

She giggled down at the River-child who, not having a head, couldn't share the joke.

Mal unfurled himself, ignoring the doc's tirade and edged over to the sleeping River-child. "What'd ya give her?"

Simon stopped talking and his mouth opened, a puff of blue smoke edging out and expanding onto the ceiling. River-balloon frowned at it.

With the balloon, Kaylee's rays and now Simon's puff it was getting very crowded in her sky.

"It was a mixture of an old Earth-That-Was drug called Ergot or, uh, Lysergic Diethylamide, when added to Perphenazine which should . . . hold no interest for you. Why?"

"She looks kinda out of it," Mal ran his hand across her shoulder. "You sure you should be doping her up so much?"

"Who's the doctor here?"

"I ain't disputing that," Mal defended, stepping back but his eyes not leaving the sleeping River-child. "Just been thinking is all."

"You here for a reason?" Simon said, his gaze dropping to the floor and frowning when he couldn't see his gloves.

"Yeah, we're going to Persephone."

Simon stopped looking for his gloves and turned to Mal. "Didn't Badger try to have you killed?"

"I ain't holding a grudge!" Mal cried. "Just, be ready, dong ma?"

River-balloon frowned as he left, shaking her balloon head at Simon who was now on his hands and knees.

"Have you seen my gloves?"

Mal rolled his eyes and stepped back to the River-child, petting where her head should be, which was very rude.

It's not polite to remind someone of their disability and that included not having a head.

But he was the captain and so the River-balloon floated down into place so that the captain wasn't staring at the bed anymore, but the River-balloon's face.

"Sorry you can't go with us, little one. Think you'd prove right useful and that's a fact. But I think you should sleep off the doc's drugs and then try to get better. It'll all be different when you wake up. Get better." He leaned over and brushed his lips across her head and the River-balloon sighed, closing her eyes and sliding into blackness.


End file.
